Fertility drugs don't make you feel as good as real drugs (or so I've been told)...

So, our fertility doctor, Dr. Eli Reshef, is pretty amazing. I feel like I can say that now, since it all worked out in the end. And at the time I finally saw a period come back, I thought to myself, "NOW WE'RE COOKING!" I was so angry at my regular gynecologist for NEVER sending me for the blood work-up that Dr. Reshef did after our very first appointment. I got really angry at the 6+ months we had wasted on estrogen treatment, mood swings, weight fluctuation, and all that, when all I needed was bloodwork.

So, come to find out, the tumor in my pituitary gland was causing that gland to produce too much prolactin, which happens to be the hormone that causes women to produce breastmilk. Luckily for me, the tumor was small enough to be treated with medication. Some people get them so big that they can actually start lactating... EVEN DUDES. Seriously. Even dudes. And those big ones normally have to be taken out with surgery. So you can imagine my delight at finding out that our baby quest didn't lead us to brain surgery.

One thing to note here is that Oklahoma is not one of the few states that require insurance companies to cover infertility treatments. At the time I began seeing Dr. Reshef, my problem was still classified as "annovulation" (lack of ovulation, lack of period), but the moment that began, we were moved to "infertile", and the insurance stopped covering any of it. No meds, no ultrasounds, no office visits. Check with your insurance. If you have one of the few that cover this stuff, count yourself lucky and take advantage!

Dr. Reshef knew we were growing impatient, and with every year that passed, he knew our chances of getting pregnant got smaller and smaller. So at the first sign of that period, he gave me a prescription for Clomid. Now, I don't know how many of you have ever heard of this stuff, but it's pretty much the most popular fertility drug on the planet. What I learned is this: your ovaries normally spit only one egg every month. They alternate, left and right, every other month. This generally is supposed to happen on day 12-16 of your monthly cycle (with day 1 being the first day you start your period).

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS QUITE TECHNICAL. SERIOUSLY, I LEARNED SO MUCH.

So, Clomid is supposed to hyper-stimulate your ovaries into spitting more than one egg, giving you more opportunities for fertilization. It also ups your chances of having multiples! And to be completely honest, at this point in the game, multiples wouldn't have bothered us that much. They start you out on the lowest dose, and then monitor your ovulation. If it doesn't work, you go up in dosage the next month.

"But Kelli, how do you know if it worked?"

Here's where the giant pain in the ass begins. You chart. You take your temperature every morning before you get out of bed, otherwise known as your basal body temperature. Even if you aren't seeing a doctor for fertility issues yet, you can totally do this at home. There are blank charts you can print online, and even apps you can use. I used fertilityfriend.com for several months and loved it. I hated charting, but apparently, when you ovulate (or just before or after), your temperature spikes up. The problem is, you usually have to have already done the horizontal tango and have his little guys up there waiting for Madame Egg to show herself. So the doctor tells you, "Just go ahead and have sex everyday from day 12-24." And I promise you, nothing take the romance out of sex like treating it as homework.

So, we started out with 50mg of Clomid. I charted for 31 days. And we did our homework as assigned. And then nothing. No temperature spike, nothing. Nothing except a period. So we went back to the doctor for a higher dosage of Clomid, but found that the 50mg had, indeed, hyper-stimulated my ovaries, but not enough to spit eggs. Only enough to cause big, temporary cysts. So you have a take a month off. SUCK.

The month after that, we went back when my period showed up and got the prescription for 100mg Clomid. And there was the temp spike! It didn't happen until day 24 of my cycle, though, and that's a problem too! You see, after the egg spits, the days between ovulation and your next period's arrival is called a luteal phase. And a fertilized egg needs several days to implant before your period starts. So, as you can already imagine, I started my period on day 29, and 5 days isn't enough for implantation. Dr. Reshef said that a higher dose might help with sooner ovulation, so here we go with 150mg...

Keep in mind, this is 90 days into charting. 90 days since that first period showed up. 90 days of agonizing. And this was November 2012, so we were already well over a year since we started trying.

So, we do 150mg. Bingo! Ovulation on day 17... AMAZE-BALLS. So happy! Homework like crazy! And then a period. Mother fucker. What is the problem?? Maybe it's Bobby, too? That's a theory I don't think he liked much, but it was one we definitely had to think about it. But we tried another month anyway. Since we knew that 150mg worked, we did that again, but this time, Dr. Reshef scheduled us for a post-homework analysis. Get ready for the gross part! The day I got my positive ovulation test (which happened to be the day after Christmas 2012), we were told to do some "homework" and come in 4 hours later. The test they did was a swab to see how many swimmers survived. Our result: 4. Four out of how many million? I've been through sex-ed and I have the Discovery Channel. I know how many of those little dudes are supposed to be there. And 4 isn't going to cut it. The consensus was that I had a hostile cervical canal, and was most likely killing the swimmers before they even got going. ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND?? All this time, all those wasted homework assignments, all the wasted money on pregnancy tests.... and they weren't even getting there? How much harder is this going to be??

I'm getting pissed just typing it. I was now convinced that I was, in fact, the problem. And even though I knew it in my heart the whole time, having a doctor or nurse confirm it is really disheartening.